“Give me my Romeo; and, when he shall die,

Take him and cut him out in little stars,

And he will make the face of heaven so fine

That all the world will be in love with night” – Juliet, Romeo and Juliet Act III. Sc. II

It’s probably mega cliche for me to quote Shakespeare, isn’t it? On top of that, it’s Romeo and Juliet of all plays. In my defense, I watched Romeo and Juliet last night. Before all you ladies (and probably some men, too) start screaming bloody murder for Leo DiCaprio (which, stop, because he’s taken… BY ME), it’s not that version, although I wish it was.

Any of you know who Douglas Booth is? No? Neither did I, until I IMDBed that dude. Also, that other girl is in it. Hailey? Haley? Hay-Lee? Whatever, the True Grit girl. Never seen it, but I’ve heard great things.

Moving on.

So, last night was movie night in my house. Movie nights mean go all out. Snacks. Drinks. Movies (obviously). Pajamas. Blanket forts. Water guns. Waffles. After picking up dinner (fruit from Whole Foods, sweet potato fries from Company Burger, and a fudge brownie from Heaven – judge me not), I got into my pajamas, filled my water gun with pinot grigio (this is all a lie) and plopped down onto the sofa for some good old-fashion Shakespea-UH.

First of all, the costumes were just lovely. I mean, if I could slink through the streets of New Orleans in full on Shakespearean garb without 1) being laughed at and 2) sweating so much, I died, I would. Also, why isn’t my hair all naturally wavy, and why can’t I sit on it like everyone in this film can? “Maybe wine will help my hair grow,” thought I. So I shot some into my mouth with my Nerf gun in-between bites of my well-rounded dinner, half of which was dipped in spicy mustard and topped with jalepenos. I will not explain. It was just one of those nights.

The supporting actors were also a major plus-plus in this film. Mercutio, played by Christian Cooke, was fan-freaking-tastic. So was Ed Westwick (Chuck Bass from gOsSiP gIrRrL, anyone?) as Tybalt. Throw in a Paul Giamatti as the Friar, and you’ve got yourself a party.

One thing I noticed from these actors, along with many of the other supporting roles, was that they actually knew what they were saying. Does this make sense? Shakespeare can be tricky, for obvious reasons. In order for your audience to understand what you’re saying, you, the actor, have to know what you’re saying. They did, and I appreciated that right off the bat, especially because there were a lot of knew-to-me faces in there.

One (or should I say two) major, major disappointments were Romeo and Juliet. I don’t even have the words to describe how horrible these two actors were. It pained me. I winced. I exhaled loudly. Etc. Neither Douglas nor Heyleigh knew what they were saying. Juliet would smile when she was speaking of how much she loved Romeo, but her family would basically flip their shit. Smiling and laughing. I’m thinking, “Am I hallucinating? This is NOT funny. This is tragic.” Booth said every line with a straight face. Every now and then, he would tense his jaw or crack a half smile so we could peep his snaggle tooth (not hating, just pointing out). I was getting so frustrated.

Romeo and Juliet, though overdone at times, is such a beautiful story of young love and persistence and dedication and sacrifice. Not once did I believe these two were madly in love. Even the courting scene was lacking the courting. They looked at each other, smiled, and then, before you know it, they’re making out in another room.

“Look, I’m smising.”

“Look, I’m smising too. LOL.”

“Taketh off thy mask.”

“KAY.”

Head in hands. Cue the tears.

I couldn’t help compare these two leads to Leo DiCaprio and Claire Danes, who, in my opinion, were just perfect. Their love was new. It was innocent. It was PLAYFUL. They had fun. You could tell they had fun.

Booth and Hailee’s adaptations of Romeo and Juliet were so stiff. It was like they were afraid to play, which is a tragedy in and of itself. They are both very pretty. I’ll give them that much. So, yeah, that’s good. I guess. I mean, good to know you can totally suck you-know-what at acting, but as long as YOUR FACE IS NICE, you’ll get a part. Maybe I shouldn’t have hated on Botox those few posts ago..

Anyway, would I recommend the latest film adaptation of Romeo and Juliet? No, no I would not. What I would recommend, however, is to read Romeo and Juliet. And to also build a fort and to dip sweet potato fries in spicy mustard and then eat watermelon right after that, because, apparently that’s a thing. It is to me, for this week at least.

I’ll leave you with two images and a brief conversation I had with Jacob.

Image
“He is beautiful.”
“Really? I think he looks kind of weird.”
“He just has very feminine features.”
“Feminine features? Is that what you like? Should I drink more soy?”

Proof that soy milk is the answer to everything.

Now will the real Romeo and Juliet please stand up?

Image

Talk to y’all soon,

Kaitlyn

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