I don’t know many people who are like, “You know what? I’m having a freaking AMAZING day. I am just SO DAMN HAPPY that I’m going to write something!” I know a lot of people who are like, “This day can fucking kiss my ass. I’m going to go write a blog/song/script or paint something seriously dark.”
I’m the latter.
I write when I’m happy if I feel like I need to document something. Sometimes, my greatest witty remarks stem from happiness, but, most of the time, they stem from a thick layer of snark and a distaste for something. I often find myself questioning if that’s sad or if it’s simply human.
And then I get tired of thinking and just say “fuck it,” because thinking hurts.
Right now, a lot of things hurt, and I kind of have myself to blame for that for partying too hard/not exercising/eating a diet comprised of carbs and sugar for the past two weeks. But it was Mardi Gras and a couple of my friends’ birthdays, so my overall response to health was also “fuck it.”
Today, I feel angry. I haven’t been angry for the entire day, but, right now, I feel angry. A little bitter. Partly sad. But mostly angry. And I’m wanting to write.
I’m wanting to write now, when I’m not the happiest, because now is the time where my emotions aren’t being masked by anything fleeting. Happiness is temporary, and so is sadness and anger, but I feel like it takes more to make a person sad or angry, therefore, those emotions hold more weight and have a greater significance than happy.
For example, someone could tell you that they like your sweater, and for five whole minutes, you’re happy about it until you forget about it and move on. Or someone could tell you that your sweater is the ugliest effing sweater they’ve ever seen, and, chances are, everytime you look at that sweater, you’ll think the same. And that will make you sad for a very long time.
Writing when you’re not happy is easier, because your non-happy emotions last longer, thus resulting in more thought and more feeling and a greater need to purge your mind, body, and heart of it all.
I’m also wanting to share how strongly I feel towards the topic of not determining your own self worth according to another person’s opinion of you. I feel that’s pretty important to touch on right about now.
You are worthy. Always. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Now, I know that definitely makes sense. So never forget it.