Happy Tuesday, everyone! For most of you, you’re heading back to work after a three day weekend. I hope you all had a fantastic Labor Day. Mine was spent hiking, biking, and binging Harry Potter. It was glorious. If you haven’t yet, check out my post on making friends in the military. And please like, share, and comment on social media! You can follow me on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest! Like most things, word of mouth helps so much with blogging, and I’d appreciate it if my readers would share my blog with their friends! Like PSLs to a basic in September, the more (readers) the merrier (this blog will be)!
Do you ever have those moments when you feel like you’re on top of the world?
You look out below you and you recognize that you’re small, but you still feel powerful.
Like you mean something in this enormous world full of stuff.
I love that feeling.
Now, do you ever feel like you’re on the bottom? Clawing to find your way out of this pit of self-deprecation and insecurity?
You feel small.
Insignificant. A waste. Obsolete.
Like your ideas are fleeting and your skills don’t matter and that little piece of paper you spent four years chasing was accidentally shredded along with old bills and tax papers.
I hate this feeling.
Sometimes I question my direction in life, and by sometimes I mean all of the time. Unfortunately.
For every one high moment I experience, I have three low ones that allowed me to know what it’s like to actually feel high.
It’s like not knowing what good is without knowing bad.
Good decisions from bad decisions.
Good beer from bad beer.
We need the balance of ups and downs.
But we don’t have to like them.
I spend a lot of time asking myself what I want to be when I’m 30. I spend a lot of time asking myself why I’m not living in New York City, taking acting classes, and auditioning for Broadway. Or why I’m not in Los Angeles, permanently sunburned and probably blonde trying to get Mindy Kaling to notice me or land a role in a superhero film.
What I don’t do, however, is spend much time asking myself if I’m happy with who I am right now. Am I doing what I’m supposed to be doing? Am I where I thought I’d be at this age the day I graduated from college in 2013?
“When I’m 25, I hope I’ll have a foot in the door of an esteemed agency…”
“When I’m 25, I hope to have a sufficient and self-sustainable salaried job…”
“When I’m 25, I hope to still have some hope and self-worth because this world is cruel to people like me, and it’s very easy to feel beat down…”
I’m okay right now. I think. I’ve been working part-time all summer teaching, which has brought in an income, even if it’s small. I’ve made connections through my job with other 20-somethings who are still wondering what the hell the purpose of life is. Hint: no one knows. I’m okay. I think. I’m okay right now.
But sometimes I question if I’m too comfortable, even in this semi-uncomfortable state.
If I’m settling.
If I’m not hustling hard enough or seeking out more acting opportunities.
I question if I’m giving up.
How do you know if the dream you once dreamt is still your dream? How do I know?
Is my purpose to act? To write? To teach? Do I go back to school to get my Master’s? If so, in what? Journalism? Communications? Acting? Education? Something totally off the wall and far left of what I’m currently doing like nursing, just so I can have a consistent paycheck and job security?
Do I even want security?
What will fill me up?
Aside from Mexican food because that’s been my jam lately. I’m looking at you, Los Tios.
But really, what will fill me up? Make me feel worthy? Successful?
Is it having my name in a playbill that hundreds of people come to see? Is it having a huge paycheck twice a month so it can collect in my bank account, because if you know me, you know that I never buy anything? Is it working twelve hour days and staying busy, busy, busy, just so I can come home, crash on the couch, and justify my “I’m so exhausted,” with a glass of wine and a couple episodes of Friends because I work so hard that I deserve it?
WHAT WILL FILL ME UP?
I never, ever, ever thought that growing up would be this confusing. Ever.
What do I do? What do we do? Do people just settle in careers? Say, “Oh, this’ll do!” and live like that? Unhappy? Unfulfilled? Going through the motions of everyday life and living for the weekend?
What is that?
WHAT IS THAT?
That’s…sad. That’s a sad life, and I don’t want to live a sad life.
For the first time in my life, I have absolutely no idea what my next step is going to be.
And as much as I love the feeling of wind on my face…
On top of the world and looking below me…
I don’t like the feeling of falling.
And right now I feel like I’m falling.
I could land on my feet, knees slightly bent, cushioning the impact of the burden of this quarter-life crisis.
Or I could fall flat on my face.
The choice is mine.
So I acknowledge that I’m experiencing some challenges.
I acknowledge that life is not always easy.
And I acknowledge that I want to live life by my design, be happy, feel fulfilled and get paid for it.
Now I need to figure out how to do it.
Question of the Day!
Have you, or are you currently experiencing a quarter-life crisis? Do you have any tips to help manage the ups and downs and internal freak-outs?
Share them in the comments section of this post!