Ok, guys, here’s the deal. I feel like I haven’t been completely honest with you or even myself. That’s not to say I’m lying (I’m not), but I haven’t been completely truthful, you know what I mean?
It’s like when you take a ~*selfie*~ for ~*Insta*~ and you don’t post it because you have a pimple.
Here’s a pimple selfie of me going to town on some kettle corn yesterday afternoon.
You really are just so welcome for that.
I’m dubbing this post Honesty Hour. This is my time to share with you ALL OF THE THINGS that are constantly on my mind and perhaps some things I have never shared out of fear of being embarrassed, made fun of, etc.
Basically all of the fears we had in grammar school, but in adulthood.
Here we go.
- I sometimes feel like a failure. You might be thinking, “Who doesn’t, Kaitlyn?” and you’re right, but do we talk about it? No. I sometimes feel like a failure because I don’t have a degree in math or science and I’m of a creative mind. Sometimes that makes me feel inferior to others around me who have advanced, fancy sounding degrees and it makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry dramatic tears.
- I am the reigning queen of body image issues. Reigning queen. Like, where’s my crown? I deserve it. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and think damn, and sometimes I go weeks hating everything I see. My thighs aren’t muscular enough, my face is too round, my teeth aren’t as straight as they were when I first got my braces off in 2010 (like, duh, of course they’re not), my arms are flabby, I’m bloated, THE LIST GOES ON AND ON. Body image is something I’ve struggled with since 1st grade when Willa White called me fat. Willa, you were the first person ever to call me fat, and I will never, ever forget you.
- I oftentimes fall into the comparison trap. B-r-r-ro, that trap is harder to climb out of than that well from The Ring, alright? Once you’re in there, it’s like quick sand and you need some mega hero hottie to come save your ass, otherwise you’re going down. Social media does this to me. Other women do this to me. I’m constantly comparing myself to other women, and it is SO DUMB. “Her ass is bigger than mine, her hair is prettier than mine, she has flawless skin.” Like what?
- I don’t have clear skin. I am so unbelievably insecure about my skin and complexion, and this is just not something that I talk about, but why the hell not. Ever since high school, I’ve had the occasional zit. Hormones. Teenage years. Normal. But I am twenty-five years old, and there might be 1-2 days at most a month when my face is clear of pimples. It’s hormonal, it drives me insane, and it’s unfair. For the record, I exfoliate, I never sleep in makeup, I moisturize, I drink water, and I wash my makeup brushes weekly, just in case any of you wanted to holla at me with skincare advice.
- I have trust issues, which causes me to self-sabotage. GETTING REAL OVER HERE, WATCH OUT. I come from a long, long line of powerhouse females who don’t need no man. *snap* I had my first boyfriend at sixteen, and ever since then, with the exception of a handful of months at age 22, I have been in a relationship, and sometimes I don’t know how. I was raised by a single mother and an exceptionally wonderful pair of grandparents, but my dad was absent. Most people don’t know that. Now you do. I’ll give you my SSN and blood type in the next post since we’re all BFFs now. My father being absent in my life has taken a toll on me that I just refused for the longest to come to terms with. Now I have, and I’m working on it, and it’s a process every single day to remember to trust people, especially the ones you have close to you, and to not ruin something because you fear it being too good. I deserve love. I deserve love. I deserve love. I have to tell myself that constantly.
- I struggled with disordered eating for years. That’s all you need to know for now, but if you’re struggling with a similar thing, you’re not alone.
- I am incredibly passionate about not using derogatory words, especially the word “retarded”. If I hear you call someone a name, especially if I hear you call someone/something retarded, I will flip my lid, and I am not sorry. Don’t be an ass.
- Elderly people make me cry. And it’s because I love them so much, I think. Like I mentioned before, I was raised by my mom and grandma and grandpa, and it was wonderful. Technically, they were my great-grandparents, so they were older, and I watched their triumphs and struggles over the years. I heard their stories, witnessed their love, and watched them age. Unfortunately, neither one of them are with us anymore, and my heart still breaks at that fact. I miss them so much, and so anytime I see an elderly person, I give them extra attention and am extra patient, because they are people, just as I am. They want someone to talk to. They want someone to hold the elevator door open for them without huffing and puffing from impatience. They want love and understanding, and for the love of God, it’s the least we can do as human beings. They are not a nuisance. They are wonderful and they are wise.
- I want to change the world.
- I have immense anxiety for my mom’s well-being. She’s my person. My parent. My best friend. And I worry about her constantly, to the point of going insane. I’m working on it.
- I use silliness to cope with change, uncomfortable moments, and ignoring shit I don’t feel like dealing with. I also use it because being the funny girl is all I’ve ever wanted to be, and being funny makes me feel pretty.
I think an important thing to note is that being you, the real you, insecurities and all, is the best thing you can be. It’s who you are. It’s what you’ve got. Don’t stifle it, and don’t let others’ potential opinions keep you from being who you’re meant to be.
Because you don’t really want to be them anyway.
You just think you do.
Then you snap back to reality and remember that you’re a badass.
And being a badass is pretty dang cool.